elderbear Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious." I thought this was supposed to be a joke forum ... what's news material doing in here? B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elderbear Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop the cop asks"Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg replies "NO, but i know were I am " Einstein is on a train. A passenger comes up to him and asks "Excuse me Dr. Einstein, But does New York stop at this train?" Bravissimo!!! At a sidewalk cafe, the waitress asks a regular "Mr. Descartes, would you like some more coffee?" "I think not ..." And immediately, there was nobody there to pay the bill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GorunNova Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 At a sidewalk cafe, the waitress asks a regular "Mr. Descartes, would you like some more coffee?" "I think not ..." And immediately, there was nobody there to pay the bill. ... and Nietzsche laughed, and laughed... ... and Sartre was too busy building himself to notice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Oh noooo..... NOW what am I going to do?? :o http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TetsuoShima Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Oh noooo..... NOW what am I going to do?? :o http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm Darn, that sucks.... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrBag Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 Santa Claus. A chicken and jew walk into a bar, the bartender walks up and says...whats this,a joke.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 ALLIGATOR SHOES WANTED .. A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "S HIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Why are men like floor tiles? Because if you lay them right the first time you can walk over them for the rest of your life :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slug Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? 25 million and 1. 1 to change the bulb, and 25 million to die pointlessly in the attempt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 offensive joke alert: The jokes below may cause some people an offence - if you are easily offended please look away now Q: What's blue an doesn't fit? A: A dead Epileptic Q: What's white and takes the piss? A: A kidney Dialysis machine all jokes a bit of fun only and the author of this post intends to no insult to anyone. whatsoever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TetsuoShima Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 all jokes a full only and the author of this post intends to insult to anyone. whatsoever Ehm, what's this? Hopefully a typo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 all jokes a full only and the author of this post intends to insult to anyone. whatsoever Ehm, what's this? Hopefully a typo... Erm... EEEK: People will think I'm as bad as BorisP. I should really check what I'm typing before I post!!!!!! I'll go back an change it!!! Any one reading the above post should realise that full = fun the is a 'no' just before insult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quosego Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 That one is so extremely funny, I've been laughing nonstop for an hour now... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 That was extremely funny, proving once again life is stranger than fiction. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3 fish and One mermaid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest c4evap Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 A guy walks into a bank, goes up to a teller and says "This is a f*ckup". The teller says "You mean a stickup". The guy says "No, it's a f*ckup...I forgot my gun!". c4 :p :p :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 A guy walks into a bank, goes up to a teller and says "This is a f*ckup". The teller says "You mean a stickup". The guy says "No, it's a f*ckup...I forgot my gun!". c4 :p :p :p That's class!! Ha! Ha! nice one c4 ......................................................................................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Here's another one of my Fav's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the other ... er, um ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Some more Chicken/road variations, some are really funny. Some are famous Americans i've never heard of, so I assume those ones are funny: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ? Answers below... AL GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road ! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road. SENATOR LIEBERMAN I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way. SECRETARY CHENEY Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself. RALPH NADER Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken" ? Could you define "chicken" please ? FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face ? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken ? DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road ? Did he cross it with a toad ? Yes ! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told ! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it ? THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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