jokes

[mateya]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

 

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

 

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

 

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[peterwheeler]

Sorry but this is "Just a load of Bull".

 

A young bull and an old bull were strolling along chatting when the young bull spied

a herd of cows through a gap in the hedgerow and at the the other end of the field.

"Hey lets run over to them and make mad passionate love to a few of them" he said.

 

The old bull slowly turned his head and said in an exasperated voice

"will you never learn the law of conservation of energy?"

 

"what do you mean?" the young bull asked.

"Why we'll walk over to them and do the lot!" came the reply.

[nx01rules]

Ok, ok..

 

------------------------

You wanna hear a dirty joke?

 

The boy fell in the mud.

[maverick]

a guy sits in a bar in dublin.

 

guy says: can i get some ice in my drink?

bartenter replies: oh im sorry sir, we have no ice in ireland

guy says: no ice in ireland? are you kidding?

bartender says: its a pain in the ass for us all, but the woman with the recipe died.

 

 

 

[peterwheeler]

Follow up to petty officer proffart Arsenal gag with which I concur.

 

How do you confuse a Manchester United Fan?

 

 

show him a map of Manchester!!!!

 

 

subtle uh?

[Annika]

Subject: Inner Calm

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all

could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple

advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the

things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my

house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before

leaving

the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of

White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Bristol Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a

package of Oreos,

the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,

some crackers and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking

good I feel.

 

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

:-)

 

 

[Stu]

A nun runs screeming,half undressed into the police station and says to the constable on duty -- "I've been graped - I've been graped !!" to which he replies -- "What on earth do you mean you,ve been graped ? Do'nt you mean raped you poor woman ??"

Yes !! she replies "but there was a hole bunch of them !!"

[Stu]

How many male hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb ??

 

2 of course, one to mix the cocktails and one to ring an electrician !

[wahaha]

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a

beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve

beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the

jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt

pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,

and begins to chuckle.

 

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

 

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

[Mav]

Three men are playing football in a field. One man goes for a long pass, but trips over an object sticking out of the ground. Apon examination, they decide to dig it up and find what appears to be an antique lamp. Covered in dirt, one man rubs off the caked dust and smudge to read an ingraving what was thought to be a name.

 

Suddenly the lamp vibrates with life, as it shakes and light pours out from the end of it. In a bolt of lightning and thunder springs forth what could only be described as a genie.

 

"You have awaken me from my sleep of over ten thousand years. As a thank you for finding the lamp I shall grant three wishes. Since there are three of you, you may each get one wish."

 

So the first man steps forward and says "Genie, I wish for a penis made of wood."

 

"Granted" bellows the genie. The first man walks away.

 

"Genie, I wish for a penis made of pure ice." says the second man.

 

"Granted" bellows the genie. Second man runs away.

 

"Genie, I wish for a penis that was a mile long." snickers the third man.

 

"Granted. All is fulfilled here" bellows the genie, and in a wisp of smoke he pops back into his lamp.

 

Exactly one week later, the three men meet up and decide the proper thing to do is awaken the genie, again. They rub the lamp, out pops the genie and he looks none too happy.

 

"Why have you awaken me again? I have fulfilled your wishes as asked."

 

First man steps up and says "Genie, I know I made my wish. But I want my regular penis back. My wife complains and complains of splinters and pain."

 

The genie knods his head "Granted. Begone". First man leaves.

 

Second man gets down on his knees and pleads "Genie, I also want my regular penis back. My wife complains its too cold and freezes her numb."

 

The genie knods his head "Granted. Begone". Second man dashs home.

 

Genie looks at the third man and says "I supposed you wish for your regular penis back as well because of some strange ailment?"

 

Third man smiles and say "Not really. You see that lady down the street next to that parked car?"

 

Genie says "Yes, whats so special about her?"

 

Third man swerves his hips and says "POW! Got her."

[Guest Mrthumps]

Morons of 2005

 

1 . WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he

lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance

package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

 

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a

gunman who had barricaded himself inside his

home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the

man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come

out and give yourself up."

 

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and

forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein

the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the

money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,

so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three

hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who

just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked

each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or

I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

 

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and

her contractions are only two minutes apart".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "Th

is is her husband!"

 

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to

hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and

a finger to simulate a gun...Unfortunately,he failed to keep his hand in

his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

 

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a

problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand

new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,

no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to

make it go, they putted into a ne arby marina, thinking someone there

may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check

revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine,

the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size

and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check

underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW

REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in

place, was the trailer!

Have a divine day!

 

The year in review - for a blonde

 

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

 

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print

labels....."duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !

 

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said

"2-4 years !"

 

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out !

 

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those

little packets ! ! !

 

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

 

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other

swimmers cheated, they used their arms ! ! !

 

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped, because top

was down.

 

September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is

"C".....isn't it ? ? ?

 

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

 

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per

pound and I weigh 108!!

 

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on

the phone ! ! !

[Carlvsi]

Here`s my first go.

A bit rude!

 

Three hookers sitting in a bar.

First one says "I took a fist last night".

Second one replies "That`s nothing I took two".

 

Third one just grins as she slides down the bar stool.

 

 

One hooker asks another "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies "No, but I have been swung roung by the tits"

[kyran]

Bobbies mother has three children' date=' the first one is named April, the second is named June, what is the name of the third child?[/quote']

 

how would we know we've never met her

 

 

duh (bashes head against wall)

[Guest Mrthumps]

Moose Hunting

 

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

 

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

 

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, let’s get out and get him."

 

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

 

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"

 

 

 

*********************************************************************************************

 

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

 

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

Nobody answered him.

 

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

Again nobody answered.

 

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

 

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

 

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

 

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

 

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

 

Dr. Phil Consults

 

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

 

 

***********************************************************************************************

 

 

hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars

********* see!

hunter2

doesnt look like stars to me

*******

thats what I see

oh, really?

Absolutely

you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2

haha, does that look funny to you?

lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******

thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that

yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******

awesome!

wait, how do you know my pw?

er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw

oh, ok.

 

 

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

 

Naughty, Naughty

 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

 

"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

 

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

 

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

 

********************************************************************************************

 

 

Manisms

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

(29:) We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

We hope this clears up any confusion,

 

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

 

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

 

State-Of-The-Art Watch

 

A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

 

"What's it telling you now?"

 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

 

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

 

*********************************************************************************************

 

 

Power of Deduction

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

 

The Perfect Girlfriend

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

 

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

 

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big breasts.

 

 

********************************************************************************************

[Guest Mrthumps]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

 

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

 

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

 

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

 

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

 

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

 

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

 

[Guest Mrthumps]

The Gift

 

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

[Soval]

President Bush had a personal library in his house until very recently when it burned down. The library only had two books but it was all he had. When asked if he was down about it, he expressed sorrow over not being able to finish colouring the second book.

[TFMF]

What is in a mans pants, is 6 inches long and women want to blow on?

 

 

A £20 Note

 

 

-----

 

what begins with f and ends in uck

 

 

Fire Truck!!!

 

 

 

[flicky1991]

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

 

 

About halfway!

 

[Ulysses]

What does heather Mills and Nottingham Forest have in common?

 

 

They both took there second legs for granted