maverick Posted May 12, 2005 Author Share Posted May 12, 2005 this bloke walks in to the vets with a sick hamster (called eric)(not relevant but hey) the vet look the sickpet up and down and says "im sorry sir your hamster is dead" the man looks distraught and replies "it cant be, my daughter will be so upset" the vet apologises againand recommends a good pet shop to replace eric the deceased hamster. the man still upset demads a second opinion. "we can do that for you, as long as youre sure its worth it" says the vet a moment later a rather chubby looking feline walks into the room, jumps nibly on to the counter where eric is lying, walks around him twice and looks closely before looking mournfully at the vet and shaking his head before leaving. the man looks upset and says "i still cant accept it, is there anything else we can try?" !if another opinion is what you want then thats what youll have" says the vet a moment later a beautiful labrador walks in to the room, jumps on to he counter and walks around him twice and looks closely before looking mournfully at the vet and shaking his head before leaving. "ok, ok" sniffs the man "i dont know how to begin to explain this to my daughter" the man picks up eric and is heading for the door when the vet hands him a bill. "HOW MUCH!?" screams the man "£250?, youre out of your mind" "i assure you im not" replies the vet "well what have i got from you that cost that much" says the man well if you remember the Cat scan and the LAB report on the hamster.....?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tisjusme Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 Heard about the Irish Cat? Had a sh*t an burried itself! (No offence to the Lucky Irish) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tisjusme Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 No Offencs to Blondes What's the difference between a Blonde & a Mozzie ?????? The Mozzie stops sucking when you smack it on the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kartman Posted May 14, 2005 Share Posted May 14, 2005 What's a mozzie? why wouldn't SHE stop? (i know she's blond....:D lol anyway. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty, maybe 2 dollars. Deer nuts are under a buck. A pre-school teacher takes her class to the zoo. they walk by the rhino habitat. a child asks her what's that thing between his legs. "oh that?" she replies "that's nothing..." "did you here that" said one of the boys to his friend "the rhino has such a big co*k and she said it was nothing!" three guys are complaining about their wives (i don't find anything wrong with their wives, but I can't find anyting wrong with complaining anyway) first guy says: my wife's ass is so big, that, if she were to sit on a peach - she'd make it dissapear second guy says: well that aint notihn yet! my wifes ass is soooo big she could sit ona whole watermelon and it would be gone from sight the third guy says: my wife has pretty blue eyes. "What does THIS have to do with anything?!" say the first two "everything else is just her ass" in order to make any of these jokes work you migh have to say them out loud, have a silly friend tell you the jokes, sing, or maybe it's your fault. no i'm pretty sure it's the jokes. i should stop writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Moses A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus." Sister Mary Katherine Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words" Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest, "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here. The Kitchen Bitch A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!" "And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house." "Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS." "When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and we hope your trip was a pleasant one." "We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train." "We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomname Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 No offense to any Irish, Welsh, Polish or French people here :p ___ What happens when a blonde woman moves from England to Ireland? The average IQ of both countries increases. A lot. ___ Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender! ___ So this Polish terrorist tried to blow up a car... He burnt his mouth on the exhaust. ___ Bob: Did you hear the Polish government bought 5000 septic tanks? Joe: Why, whatever for? Bob: As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they're going to invade Germany! ___ Breaking news, Irish shoplifter was found dead under Tesco's! ___ How do the Welsh find their sheep in the long grass? Very satisfying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomname Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 No offense if you're Michael Jackson :p ___ Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? He heard boys' underwear were half-off! ___ What's did Michael Jackson say to the priest? "I saw him first!" ___ What do Michael Jackson and Coke have in common? They both come in little cans ___ How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party? All the tricycles in the front yard ___ What's the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson? Well, one is made of plastic and is dangerous for your kids to play with, and the other one holds groceries. ___ How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rcazant Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Two men at a swimming pool brag to each other about their penis's ability's. The one man says, I can measure the exact temperature of the water, by putting my penis in it. He sticks it in the water and says: the water is exactly 28.3 degrees Celsius. They measure the temperature with a thermometer and the water is exactly 28.3 degrees. Now you try the man says. So the other man puts his penis in the swimming pool and says: I don't know the exact temperature, but I do know the water is 2 meters deep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me - I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rcazant Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Hey Annika, alles goed? Nederland, ons koude kikkerlandje toch? ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? > WITNESS: July 18th. > ATTORNEY: What year? > WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > WITNESS: I forget. > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? > WITNESS: Forty-five years. ___________________________________ > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > WITNESS: My name is Susan. _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. > ATTORNEY: Voodoo? > WITNESS: We do. > ATTORNEY: You do? > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________________ > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.. _______________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > WITNESS: Uh.... _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? > WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? > WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. _________________________________ > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30p.m.. > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > WITNESS: Huh? _____________________________________ > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? > WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. _________________________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rcazant Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 hilarious those court bits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 a bloke walks in to a psychiatrists office wrapped from head to foot in cling film. the doctor appraises him, looking him up and down slowlyand says. "well i can clearly see youre nuts" bloke walks in to a doctors office and sits down. "what seems to be the trouble ?" says the doctor the man replies "i got a strawberry stuck up my bum" "i've got some cream for that" replies the doctor. a man walks in to the doctors and sits down. "what seems to be the trouble?" says the doc "its with my........ahem, my er private parts" says the patient "wee, jump on to the couch behind the screen and lower your trousers then" says the doctor briskly. "i've done this many times" he added re-assuringly the man follows his instruction and the doctor snaps on a pair of rubber gloves and walks behind the screen. the doctor looks at the mans groin and loudly exclaims, "you have a car stering wheel attached to your penis!" "i know said the man. its been drivin me nuts for ages" bum bum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frodoxxx Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 a man goes to the doctor and the doctor says"I'm sorry but you only have 10 more to live" the man starst to panic and asks"10 ? what years? months? weeks? the doctor answers" 9..... 8............. 7...................... Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop the cop asks"Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg replies "NO, but i know were I am " Einstein is on a train. A passenger comes up to him and asks "Excuse me Dr. Einstein, But does New York stop at this train?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ipkis Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 A young lady in New York City decided to leave for Europe so she heads down to the docks to stow away on a ship. She finds one and hides below deck. That night one of the crewmen finds her. She says, "Please, don't tell anyone I'm down here. I'm trying to get to Europe and I can't afford a ticket. I'll do... anything." So the crewman tells her, "All right. I will promise not to tell anyone you are here AND bring you fresh food and drink every day in exchange for sex." The young lady agrees. Weeks go by with the arrangement, every night he brings her food and water and after she eats they make love for hours. Everything seems to be going fine until the captain stumbles across her. He asks her why she his hiding on his ship. She explains, "I made this deal with one of you crewmen." "What kind of deal?", the captain asks. "He brings me food and water every night and keeps quiet about it", she says. "And what is your end of the deal?" She blushes and can't look the captain in the face. "He's screwing me", she says sheepishly. The captain starts to laugh, "He sure is. This is the Staten Island Ferry!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beawulf Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 ROFL what a crack up. New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?" The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's!" A visitor at a museum asks an employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?" "It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old." "How can you know that with such precision?!" "Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. Was there anything he could do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a goblet made of titanium, the hardest alloy in the kingdom. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? | | | | | | | | \ / They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking it was?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elderbear Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 a priest and a rabbi are walking down the road when they see a twelve year old boy. the priest says 'lets fu## him'' date=' to which the rabbi replys 'out of what.'[/quote'] errrr.........i dont get it. i thought about it and everything Good! That shows that you're a more decent human being than I am ... I got it right away. So much for personal evolution. I'm back to the single-celled-slime stage ... :cyclops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elderbear Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 During the cold war an american, a russian and a dane met. American: We have so many fighterplanes that if they all were airborne at the same time you couldn't see the sky! Russian: Pah! We have so many warships that if they all went to the mediterranean sea you could walk across! Dane: I know this guy who lives in Viborg who has a dick that's ½ a metre long. Both the american and the russian trade startled looks.. American:Well, I suppose you could see some patches of sky... Russian: ...you might have to swim from ship to ship... Dane: Ok, the guy lived 5 km outside Viborg... :o I'm guessing that the gent who lived outside Viborg wasn't too possessive about his mate ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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