Guest c4evap Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Two chickens were sitting in a bar... What it means to be blond... Why did c4 cross the road? c4 :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Do you have trouble sleeping? http://www.leech.dk/go2sleep.swf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Here's another good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Cant resist putting another one on!! Ha! Ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up makin love to him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED????? A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, “HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW†HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; “FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!†THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.†TO WHICH HE REPLIED, “FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.†FINE, SHE SAYS, “THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?†THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.†“I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPSâ€ÂÂ, HE SAYS. “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! “ SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. “HONEYâ€ÂÂ, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?†SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.†HE SAID, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?†SHE REPLIED, “HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 The Explanation of Life On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.†The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?†On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.†The monkey said “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?†And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.†The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?†And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.†But man said “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?†“ Okay†God said. “You asked for it.†So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Promiss this is the last one tonight!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 How Many Tharapists does it take to change a light bulb. One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest c4evap Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 How do you keep an idiot in suspense??? ...I'll tell you tomorrow... c4 :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest c4evap Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Did you hear about the Polish football player that caught the winning touchdown but missed it on the instant replay? DISCLAIMER: This joke is in no way meant to denigrate the Polish people. Hell, I love Polish people. I had three for breakfast :p c4 ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Did you here about the Irish blow up doll? It was made of plastic explosive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Golfing in Ireland An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don'twant anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize, really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day? " Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish" Surgeons Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Ha! Ha! Another good one!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZaphodiLe Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Here's a long one; Once there was this Swede from the north, Sven, weighed 150kg and had never lost a fight. The rumour of this guy spread to other parts of Sweden and people challanged him but always lost. One day the rumour of this gigantic swede had spread all the way to Siberia, where a big, undefeated Russian met his challange. So Sven went to Russia. Sven's trainer shuddered when he saw the size of this Russian. The match began and Sven was totally without chance, being played with like a ball by the russian. Sven's trainer couldn't watch anymore and left the room. After a while he heard a big roar and shortly after: "And Sven wins the match!!!". When Sven entered the lockers room his trainer asked how the hell he had won. "Well" said Sven, "I dosed of for a while and when I woke up, I saw two balls hanging in front of me". "So what happened then?" said his trainer. "Well" Sven said, "you get tremendous strength from biting your own balls". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Here have some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 And another one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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