Annika Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son..what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 like it :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psheldrake1 Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 I still am laffing that NUN of you got that joke. Also a true joke. My ex was speeding when a cop stopped her. Where's the fire lady? 1/2 inch from my ahole, got the parts to put it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son..what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless heart melts :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 What's better than a rose on your piano two lips round your organ :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDawgAMD Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Hey pella, thats cool, your avatar is autographed :D the joke was funny also Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 Hey pella, thats cool, your avatar is autographed :D the joke was funny also Why Thank you sir B) That's one of my favourite pics but it doesn't make a good avatar. Fortunately a good friend C4evap has designed a new one for me :p (by the time you read this it should be updated). Here's a bit of sick joke for you. I used to be into S+M, necrophilia and beastiality, but I gave it up when I realised I was flogging a dead horse!!!!! :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDawgAMD Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 Hey pella, thats cool, your avatar is autographed :D the joke was funny also Why Thank you sir B) That's one of my favourite pics but it doesn't make a good avatar. Fortunately a good friend C4evap has designed a new one for me :p (by the time you read this it should be updated). Here's a bit of sick joke for you. I used to be into S+M, necrophilia and beastiality, but I gave it up when I realised I was flogging a dead horse!!!!! :( I laughed so hard i fell out of my chair that was funny :cyclops: :cyclops: :cyclops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vektram Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 Sick joke: What's white and red and covered in tears? A baby combing it's head with a potato peeler. (Don't think I got the phrasing of the question right :rolleyes:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrDad Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 A hooker, a rabbi, and a Swede walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?" A guy cashes his paycheck and heads down to the local watering hole. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. Before he takes his first sip, he's distracted by muffled music. The source of the music is a cardboard box placed on a barstool next to an odd-looking man. He asks the odd-looking man if there is a radio or CD player in the box. The odd-looking man shakes his head 'no' and opens the box. He first pulls out a miniature piano and sets it on the bar. Next, he pulls out a tiy piano bench, and finally, he pulls out a man one foot high. The little man pulls the bench in front of the piano and begins playing a piece by Mozart. YThe guy is flabbergasted and excitedly begs the odd-looking man to tell him how he acquired such a marvel. The odd-looking man explained that he got it as one of three wishes from a djinni in a bottle. He then offers to sell it for $100 since he has already exhausted his wishes. The guy can't possibly pass up an offer like this and lays 100 bucks on the bar. The odd-looking man pockets the money and passes the guy a brass lamp, and explains that he mst rub the lamp three times and make his wish. the guy quickly follows directions and instantly the bar is filled with 100 panicked ducks. The guy realizes he's been swindled and demands a refund. The odd-looking man laughs at him and replies "What kind of idiot are you? Did you really think I wished I had a twelve inch pianist?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest c4evap Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 Here's a bit of sick joke for you. I used to be into S+M, necrophilia and beastiality, but I gave it up when I realised I was flogging a dead horse!!!!! :( GOOD ONE! :p :p :p c4 B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick Posted May 6, 2005 Author Share Posted May 6, 2005 some cool jokes. pella that is some funny s h i t better get my thinkin cap on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howiepoohs Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 I went into a shop the other day and said "Could I have a cup of coffee and a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps please" "Sorry," said the man, "I only have plain" I took a sip of my coffee and spat out the revolting liquid. "This coffee tastes like mud!" I exclaimed. "Ah," said the man, "thats because it was ground this morning" Theres this Nun, working in the convent garden, sprinkling seeds in the vegitable garden. Suddenly a large flock of black birds swoop in and start pecking up the seeds Peck, peck, peck, went the birds. The nun sees all the seeds she has planted being eaten by the birds and incensed, screams: "F**K OFF!! f**k off you little b******s! GO ON, F**K OFF!" several times. Sister superior hears this and walks briskly up to the Nun and says in a soothing voice: "Now, now, sister Mary, you musnt say that naughty word. You must say Shoo, Shoo! and they f**k off just the same!" Why do the Irish wear 3 condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure. bit of a sick one now. A woman is giving birth and its a long and drawn out one. Many hours later and the baby is finally born, but the woman is so exhausted, she falls asleep. A couple of hours later, she wakes to see the midwife, sitting on the end of her bed, bouncing the baby up and down like a basket ball on the floor. "MY BABY!" the woman screams, "what are you doing to my baby?" "Dont worry," the midwife reasures her, "its dead any way." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick Posted May 7, 2005 Author Share Posted May 7, 2005 a bloke is walking down the beach and sees a lamp partially sticking from the sand. assessing it as beint genie type he picks it. he gives it a rub and a very angry genie appears. "what the hell do you want, ay?" screamed the genie "erm, three wishes....?" replied the man in a slightly nervous voice "oh three wishes is it replies the genie? well you can have one and thats your lot" shouted the genie. the man looks surprised and replies "only one? but genies always give three" "take it or leave it" snaps the genie. "and dont be all day about it too, i wnt to get back to bed" the man looks thoughtful for a moment and says " i always wanted to visit america" (he is an english guy) the genie looks triumphant and says "thats it?" then out of nowhere two plane tickets appear and he offers them to the man. "im terrified of flying" gasps the man "thats why i have never been" the genie flicks his wrist and the air tickets turn into cruis tickets which he offers to the man. the man, not wanting to upset the genie anymore sheepishly replies "and i am terrified of boats too" the genie gives him a withering look. "so how exactly am i supposed to get you there?" the man tentatively replies "youre a genie, cant you teleport me or something?" "who do yo think i am " snaps the genie "the bloody tooth fairy?" not wanting to labour the issue the man says "well i coul drive, if you build me a bridge and give me a nice car....." "build you a bridge! build you a bridge!" screams the genie. "choose something else before i blast your head off with my genie powers" the man looks thoughtful and says "well...i have never understood women...." the genie looks like he is trying really hard to work something out and replies.... "so, about this bridge..." :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pella Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 Lol Maverick!!! Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for Xmas? He said it was the most violent book he's ever read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weyoun Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 LMAO! OUCH! My eye, it hurts just thinking about it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick Posted May 10, 2005 Author Share Posted May 10, 2005 a horse walks in to a bar. barman says, "why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ipkis Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 2 priests go into a Niemen Marcus one day to buy new black overcoats. The saleperson goes into the back and discovers that they are out of black coats but have a whole bunch of navy blue ones. He sells the priests the coats and they leave the store. Once out in the sunlight, they start looking closely at their new coats and think that something is wrong with them. They see 2 nuns walking towards them and call them over. They hold their new coats up to the nuns' habits and compare. They thank the nuns and walk away. After they leave, the one nun says to the other, "It's so nice to hear that there are still priests speaking latin." "Latin?", says the other nun, "what did they say?" The first nun replies, "I don't speak latin myself, but it sounded like: niemen marcus fukdus." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vektram Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 2 priests go into a Niemen Marcus one day to buy new black overcoats. The saleperson goes into the back and discovers that they are out of black coats but have a whole bunch of navy blue ones. He sells the priests the coats and they leave the store. Once out in the sunlight' date=' they start looking closely at their new coats and think that something is wrong with them. They see 2 nuns walking towards them and call them over. They hold their new coats up to the nuns' habits and compare. They thank the nuns and walk away. After they leave, the one nun says to the other, "It's so nice to hear that there are still priests speaking latin." "Latin?", says the other nun, "what did they say?" The first nun replies, "I don't speak latin myself, but it sounded like: niemen marcus fukdus."[/quote'] Bwahaha, thanks for entering the forums on a hilarious note :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now