dino4 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Here a cracker!!! A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible ." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine ." " What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." " Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now ." " Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand ?" " We were in another battle. I boarded a ship, and got into a sword fight my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really ." " What about that eye patch ?" " Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye ." " You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit ." " It was my first day with the hook . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGJester Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 It was my first day with the hook :D Very Good mmm I'm very new here so I'm not sure how 'adult' a content we're allowed ... so WARNING joke below contains some adult content ... -- Man is queueing up at a supermarket check out. He turns around and sees a very attractive blonde lady further back in the queue who gives him a brilliant smile and a small wave. The man is somewhat bemused that such an attractive woman could possibly be smiling and waving at him. He turns round again and says 'Excuse me, but do we know each other?' 'I think so' says the blonde 'I believe you're the father of one of my children' The man flies into panic and his mind goes back to the one and only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife 'You're not that stripper that I sh****d on the snooker table in front of 25 of my mates on my stag night are you?' 'No' replies the blonde 'I'm your sons English teacher' ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. "And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! PML! PML! Thats a good one. The Explanation of Life On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.†The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?†On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.†The monkey said “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?†And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.†The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?†And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.†But man said “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?†“ Okay†God said. “You asked for it.†So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Warning Adult content joke! Sorry in advance if this offends How Men think! A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral $ex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGJester Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 :D excellent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZaphodiLe Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 nasty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics" (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Ha! Ha! they just keep getting better!!!!! THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong, when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!" She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest is history...................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TetsuoShima Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Hilarious!!!! ROFL ROFL :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Oh 'eck! I'm growing up!!! 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Sizzler closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM! 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same. BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day Promptly at 08h00. The next day at 08h45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles" ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dino4 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 New words for 2005 Appoliges if any offend! TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') GOING FOR A McSH*T - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh*t with Lies. BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!". MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 A Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of under-pants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything into place. The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 The Nun and the Cabbie A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." That Darn Nun Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself." "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life." "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman, "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annika Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 http://masteroni.braunoni.nl/hu.html Turn your sound on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostShadow Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 i dont know if this is a joke or not, but here is a very funy story. No Sex Tonite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrthumps Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Spanish Cuisine An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." Dogs vs Cats From a Dog's Diary 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite 9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite 9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite 10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted – My favorite 11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite 12:00: Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite 1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite 4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite 5:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Pretty Mums - My favorite 6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite 6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master – My favorite 8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed – My favourite From a Cat's Diary Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine only on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trekkiedane Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 *A man walks into a bar... Ouch, he says. *Two nuns, on their bicycles, on the way home from shopping (yes they also need groceries!) decide to take the scenic route to avoid the rush hour trafic on main street. The young one says: I never came this way before! To which the older one replies: Must be the cobbles! This one I recently got as an SMS: *Police have today admitted that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week, and that the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on sunday morning may have been a mistake. Great thread, great jokes, just what I needee before bed -now I won't be able to sleep for hours... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thedrtim Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 This is completely tasteless but it makes me laugh........ Whats the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of dead babies? You can't unload sand with a pitch fork. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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